Her friend called me a freak.. a freak!! *sighs* why must i always choose the wrong person? I'll get out of her life, I'll disappear in her life, I'll ignore her if that makes her happy which it probably will.... I'm so dumb for falling for her!!! *bangs head* i hate myself... i want everything to disappear

ughh i have a football game tomorrow and I'm really nervous, I'm going with the band and its against my HOME TOWN!! I'm really nervous

SHES BACK!!!! when i saw her online my heart jumped to my throat, i wished i was on when she wason... i love her alot but now she probably has no feelings for me.. god i wish it would be like a month ago when we were together and we had happiness. but she probably movedon.. i hope we can be friends.. *sighs* atleast shes back.... i lied to myself everyday for a month saying forget it she doesnt love you, you dont love her but i cant stand it.. i do love her and shes probably think i'm a freak.. i know she probably doesnt love me and i understand.. it breaks my heart so much....i wish someone could hold me tight right now *sighs* atleast shes back... though i dont think shes wants to be friends with me :'( she deleted all my comments...everything... i wish we could be friends atleast.. i'm suprised she didnt delete me from her friends list...She'll ALWAYS be my Number 1 on my friends list.. maybe i should just take all the pain away..

she was in my dream, looking at me, we were seperated by fire but that didnt stop us, oh no it did, i walked slowly towards her and she did the same, our hands extended out to each other, i had a weak on smile and she had a frown, must they always seperate us, nothing could seperate us for long, i walked closer, my arm strechted out, the fire licking it, i i felt imense pain but i didnt care, i wanted her, she would be the only thing that mattered to me. our hands touched and i smiled jumping through the fire and into her arm,
"I missed you" i whispered to her and she nodded, she brought me closer and we leaned in for the kiss



I woke up

Ray's POV

I sighed and ran my fingers through my fro, today we were stuck doing a photoshoot for some magizine i never heard of, it was a normal day for me until teh photographer snaped at me getting my attention
  "Did you hear me?" he asked shaking his head in disaprovel
  "Huh? oh yeah i heard you" i said making a fake smile, I knew he didn't liek me and I didn't either liek him.....
  "Well then do what I asked you to do a couple of  mintues ago"  he said with a accent
  "Uhhh....... what did you say a couple of mintues ago?" I asked him feeling stupid
The guys began laughing at me, I turned to face them and gave them a death glare making them shut up execpt for Gerard,  I just rolled my eyes at him, for teh past days he would laugh at me for any reason, and it was getting anoying, something was up with him but everytime i would try and talk to him, he would look down at his shoes and blush, I knew he was gay; it didn't bother me at all but i was getting teh feeling he had a crush on me, with teh thought in my head, i smiled at him...Ughh! What am I thinking??Why am I happy that he might like me?? Do i feelings for him? i was bi, i wasn;t afriad to admit it but i NEVER had feelings for a guy, this was all new to me
"Lay on teh bed!" the photographer said annoyed at me, i growled at him since he borke my train of thought...hahah train.....Like always Gerard giggled and looked away, i just sighed and did wat i was told and layed on my back on teh soft comfy bed. This wasn't soo bad, i jumped lightly when i felt teh bed shift and saw Gerard laying on teh bed, i just smiled as he came closer to me until he was beside me, what is he doing???? He put his head on my chest and his left hand on my thigh..near my crocth, it wasn't sexual in anyway though, he felt nice and warm, i instanly wrapped my arms around him and stroked his hair softly, he looked up at me liek a little kid, i just smiled at him and closed my eyes and hummed softly, god he was soo cute, soo hott.... WHY TEH HELL AM I GETTING FEELINGS FOR HIM?!?!?!? White flashes began and i knew he was taking pictures, i didn't mind at all, after a while gerard pulled away and sat up and yawned
"Are we done yet?" i asked sleepy now
"Yea we are, oh ray you are really soft and warm" Gerard said blushing lightly, i smiled again... and nodded
"Thanks gee, that means alot to me" i said as i got up
"I'm going to teh bus" i said as i walked back to teh bus leaving teh others to take solo pictures of them selves....
I layed on my bunk, i couldn't get gerard out of my mind, i had my eyes closed at teh moment when teh curtain swung up and closed, i opened my eyes and saw teh one and only gerard, he seemed nervous which was a first since highschool
"Ray.." he spoke softly sending tingles down my spine
"Yes gee" i mused as i yawned yet again, i was tired from teh photoshoot
"Can...I sleep with you?" he asked as he cudled with me under my blanket, i smiled warmly and wrapped my arms around him and nodded
"Yes you can" i spoke as he buried his head in my chest
"You smell good" he smiled
"what?" i said not beileving what i heard
"You..SMell..Good" he siad slowly, i just rolled my eyes
"Thanks" i yawned as i closed my eyes trying to falling asleep, before i drifted to sleep, i felt soft warm lips on mine.........

We were In England, its been 4 months since i have seen my beautiful boxers and i missed em dearly, no day passes by that i have not thought of them. I sighed walking with Bob as we passed the streets of this country. my mind was somewhere else..
"Cheer up Gerard... maybe you umm find a new lover" he said trying to cover up his laughter
"i wont find no one else!! i loved her!!! and her smell!!" i huffed
"well u can--" i didn't hear what else he said, my eyes were drifting off a beautiful person, she was long and skinny, my mouth dropped and i stared at her beauty in the light. I quickly ran past bob and went towards her, i didn't want her to leave, i wanted her in my life.
"Hey baby what u doing with a guy like this?" i asked looking up at her and streetching my arm out to touc her, the guy just looked at me madly not moving. "come with me, he doesnt treat u nice" i whispered, my hand grasping the hat and pulling it, she was so soft, i felt him move and he grabbed my hand "give me my bearskin back" he ordered and i shook my head. i took back my hand and began running as him and other guys with hats that looked like bearskins ran after me
"i love you baby, and this is how we do it here in america" i smiled to her and kissed her as i ran faster

I walked in the dark, a cigerate in my mouth and a ipod in my hands, It was a normal night in the New jersey, i was by myself, no one with me, the guys had stayed behind in the bar getting wasted as hell, i smiled, taking a breath of fresh air, its been yrs since I've drank....it was last weekend that I had celebrated that i was sober for a couple of years now. Turning Down my ipod, i noticed something... someone following me close behind, their footsteps was soft, who ever was following me wasn't heavy. I walked quicker, throwing my cigerate aside. "Okay gee calm down, it might be a normal stalker fan" i thought to myself as i walked past a alley and a old house " where am i going?!?! I've never been here before...." i stopped, hearing the footsteps stop to, i took a deep breath and turned around, seeing light brown hair and dorky glasses
"Mikey You Scared me!!!" i sighed in relief, happy that he wasn't a stalker fan.
Mikey didn't say anything, instead he looked deadly pale and he seemed skinny then usual
"Mikey you okay?" i asked, waving my hand in front of him
Mikey nodded quickly
"Huh...yea... I'm fine... Frank.. Told me to give you this since he thought u might enjoy it" he smiled, handing me a vial of clear liquid, i opened it up smelling the most wonderful smell, vanilla with a hint of mint.
"What do i do with it?" i asked confused, why would Frank give me this....
"Its a drink... he bought it in Paris.. he said if u drink it, your dream will come true" Mikey spoke clearly, what was wrong with everyone....
I looked at him suspiciously and drank it in a hurry, my body felt tingly and weird
"Mikey" i giggled acting like a drunk fool
"I feel weird!!" i laughed, a shiver going through me, i coughed and whimpered.
Mikey smiled
"its the only way..." he whispered, making look at him
"what the only way...?" i hiccuped and felt weird again, frank image was in my head, i was straight not gay... but was I thinking about him now and at this moment?
I felt in love.. my mind going fuzzy and my heart beating fast
"frank--" i whispered dozily, he was so beautiful and hot and nice.... wait i am straight not Gay!!!!!
"Hey Gerard!" Frank's voice seemed to be behind me, i quickly turned, i squeaked and giggled
"Hey Frankie!!" i smiled acting like a teenager again
i wanted to be close to him for some reason. he felt...safe and he was perfect. I shook my head and felt arms wrap around me, frank's arms... i giggled more
"Frankie!" i giggled
"what are you doing?" i smiled looking at him and his lips collided to mine.
it was a nice gentle kiss, a kiss that felt amazing..so perfect. Nothing sexual, just a perfect kiss, i was in love with him.. but why?
Frankie pulled away and i pouted wanting more kisses from him
"Thank you mikey " frank muttered and i looked confused
"why are you thanking him?" i asked feeling jealous
"cause he gave u ur present i bought for you" he smiled and my face got red from blushing.
His arms were around my waist and i smiled happily, why was i smiling so much?
"Frankie don't you have a girlfriend?" i asked softly and he shook my head
"no your the only one for me" he whispered and i shivered
"Mikey you should go, i wanna be with my gee gee alone" frank gave Mikey and smile and Mikey left, leaving me here with frank
"frank i think.. I'm getting so much feelings. i feel confused and i don't know what to do" i admitted as we walked together in the streets
"well just follow what ur feelings are sayng" he whispered
"are u sure you wont hurt me or hate me?" i just asked lamely and he nodded. i took a breath and pressed him against the wall and kissed him
"i think i love you" i whispered
A smile spread through his face
"i love you to Gerard way. i always loved you but this is the only way we can be together" he whispered and looked at me, i just pressed my lips to his again and let out a pleased moan
Frank pulled away from me
"i don't know.. you might not like me.." he whispered not looking at me, avoiding my eyes
"why would i hate you.. i love you" i whispered
"THIS FAKE YOU DON'T LOVE ME!!" he confessed
"If it wasn't for me or Mikey you would be here sucking face with some random girl!!" frank yelled frustrated. i was confused what was he talking about
"frank..what are you talking about?" i whimpered and he shook his head
"never mind lets just forget about this and lets go back to kissing" he whispered, his lips were mere inches apart from mine. i smiled closing my eyes and leaning in for the kiss
"Gerard, Frank what are you doing?!?!" a voice called from behind us, i quickly turn, my eyes meeting to ray.
"oh.. hey ray" i smiled kissing frank in a hurry and looking at ray tentative
"we need to go back to bus.." he whispered, his eyes on frank's
"umm okay" i smiled running towards the bus, i didn't wanna get left behind
~~~
"What did you do to him?" ray asked suspiciously looking at frank
"you didnt--did you?" he asked and frank looked like a little kid looking down
"he would never have the same feelings like what i have for him.. it the only way" i whispered at ray, looking down at my shoes.
"It'll only last a month" his voice was of concern now
"what will u do then?"
"I'll just get over the fact Gerard will never be mine and I'll quit the band.. i cant stand seing him with girls. i want him to be mine" i admitted, i loved Gerard so much. since we were kids i had a crush on him but he was always straight and rejected me when we were younger, i don't even know if he remembers him rejecting me, it was to far back
"we're not going to Paris for another love potion..." ray informed me and i nodded more, my mind was somewhere else.. on Gerard
"I'll make this month last and hope he falls for me" i whispered, turning away and walking towards the bus

i was okay, i thought it didnt bother me, i thought i could finally talk and think about my ex without gettin depressed or wanting to cry..i was wrong, today in band, we need to play a song called 'great balls of fire' and it reminded me of her..of shelby, i totally did my best not to cry, though some tears did fell and i blamed it on my allergies, i cant stop thinking about her now and i wanna cry.. make it worse, my mom made me and my sis walk like maybe half or a whole mile towards our house before she picked us up